By Gail W. Mock, Psy.D.
Licensed Psychologist
According to Webster, communication is an exchange of information or a process through which meanings are exchanged between individuals. But it is so much more! Being able to communicate with another individual is the closest we come to sharing in his or her life experience. When we are able to express our ideas and feelings well – and believe that we have been heard and understood – we feel less alone. Effective communication is at the core of a personal sense of well-being, healthy relationships and successful businesses. Despite its obvious value, good communication is something many of us struggle with.
Effective communication combines both verbal and non-verbal strategies. In this article we will examine a few of those strategies the speaker may use. We’ll examine what makes a good listener at another time. Not only do we communicate with the specific words we select, but we also send messages through our tone, body language, use or avoidance of eye contact, etc. Because we communicate in these various ways, face-to-face verbal communication is typically the most effective. It provides the least opportunity for confusion and affords the best opportunity to quickly resolve any misunderstandings that do arise. It also provides the most information. Being able to hear and see each other helps us understand the entire message. It’s important to note that if we send mixed messages – those in which our words and our tone, body language, eye contact, etc., are incongruent -- our listener is less likely to hear our words and more likely to believe our tone, body language or eye contact.
Word choice does matter. In communication, the use of the word “I” -- as opposed to the use of “you” or “we” – is important. “I” statements express self-responsibility and leave room for others’ points of view. “You” statements almost always feel accusatory to the listener and lead to defensiveness. “We” statements suggest the speaker is talking for both people. Compare these statements. “I feel unhappy.” “You make me unhappy.” “We are both unhappy.” The most accurate of these statements begins with “I”. Defensiveness is also a typical reaction to questions that begin with the word “Why”. Requesting the same information with a question that begins with “What” “When’ “Where” or “How” is much more effective. “What delayed you?” may feel less accusatory than “Why are you so late?”
Timing is also important. While it is generally best to discuss issues and concerns soon after they arise, picking a time in which the listener may be more receptive to our message is also important. Your partner may need time to decompress after coming home from a stressful workday before being told that your car transmission needs to be replaced. When discussing more stressful, conflictual or confrontational issues, keeping our message as brief, concise and free of excess verbiage as possible is also beneficial.
Good communicators attempt to say things in a way they can be heard – using well-selected words, making good eye contact, choosing a relaxed and open posture and utilizing good timing. They try to communicate directly, openly and honestly, avoiding words or tactics that are likely to interfere with the goal of exchanging information or meanings.