By Mariano Velazquez, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
When we think about having a good relationship with our partner, the first thing that comes to mind is having good communication skills. Having good communication skills means being honest, direct and respectful. Good communication alone, however, might not be enough to resolve conflicts between you and your partner and establish a good relationship. So what else is needed in order to resolve differences and get along well with each other? We need to demonstrate consideration, empathy, cooperation, a willingness to accommodate one another and to compromise on issues and decisions.
To be considerate means to be thoughtful and sympathetic of another person’s feelings. When trying to resolve a conflict, ignoring the other person’s feelings will only create more resentment and anger, which in turn creates road blocks to cooperation. Cooperation is another key ingredient in problem solving. When we demonstrate a willingness to cooperate, it signals to our partner that we are serious and committed to finding a solution to the conflict. It also means that we will put just as much effort into achieving a solution as our partner will.
Empathy is also important. Empathy is the ability to understand our partner’s feelings and needs, but we are also taking into consideration what the other person feels, needs and wants. This then leads us to accommodate and compromise. To accommodate means to give our partner something he or she needs or wants. When we accommodate, we enhance our relationship; this also signals that we are willing to give because the other person will benefit from our gesture in return. Mutual accommodation promotes intimacy and feelings of goodwill.
Compromise is different. When we compromise, it means that we are willing to give up part of what we want in order for our partner to get part of what he or she wants. We also expect our partner to do the same and give up something in order for us to gain something. Compromise is more of a give and take and it requires negotiating with our partner.
Another important part of having a good relationship is being aware of each other’s emotional needs and being willing to fulfill them. People have different needs such as the need for affection, companionship, attention, conversation, physical pleasure, acceptance of each other’s interests, time for fun and enjoyment, emotional support, security, honesty, etc. By being aware of what our partner needs, we can make efforts to fulfill those needs, therefore making our relationship more satisfying. We can learn what our partner needs simply by asking and also by paying attention to requests. It is important to voice our needs because our partner is not able to read our mind. One sure way of not getting our needs met is by keeping them to ourselves and never expressing them.
Commitment to the relationship is another cornerstone in building a good relationship. This means making a pledge to ourselves that we will not quit when the first sign of trouble arises; instead, we will work hard with our partner to resolve whatever conflicts come our way and acknowledge that we are both in this together and will work hard for the success of the relationship.