By Mariano Velazquez, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
As we enter the New Year, many resolutions are made for improving health and quality of life. One resolution that may be overlooked is learning how to express needs clearly and setting reasonable limits – Assertiveness. The concept of assertion has been around for some time now. However, many individuals still are not clear about what assertiveness means or how to be assertive. In essence, being assertive means standing up for oneself and one’s beliefs without being overbearing or obnoxious. It is important to recognize that displaying assertive behavior means standing up for one’s rights in a way that will not violate the rights of others. In other words, respect yourself as well as the other person. Being assertive means making others aware of your values without forcing your values onto them.
In order to demonstrate assertive behavior, one must demonstrate clear communication, display eye contact and remain firm. However, it is important to understand that we have assertive rights. One of these assertive rights is the right to change our minds. Most people are not born assertive; they actually learn to be non-assertive. How did we learn to be non assertive? The answer may lie in the messages we received as children from our parents and other authority figures. These messages might have been implicit or explicit. Parents and other authority figures might not have tolerated expressions of opinions and feelings. This lack of tolerance of free expression might have been for the purpose of avoiding conflict or a need to remain in control. If you have difficulty being assertive, you may need to explore your beliefs and messages from childhood, such as, “Don’t rock the boat”, or “Children should be seen and not heard”. We also have fears that might keep us from being assertive. The most common fear is that people will be angry with us if we assert ourselves. We might also fear being rejected or criticized by others.
A very important part of being assertive is being able to say “No”. Growing up, many of us were taught to help others and not to be selfish. These are good concepts, and we should try to help others who need our help. However, some people are manipulative and demanding, and we might say “Yes”, when they make requests from us. If a request is unreasonable or puts us in a difficult position, we have the right to say “No”. Saying “Yes” to someone’s request when we really want to say “No” has consequences ranging from anger to resentment and even contempt.
Why do we have these feelings? It is because we end up feeling “put-upon” and having to do something that we probably did not want to do in the first place. Also, the request might keep us from executing our own plans, creating conflicts in our schedules or other relationships. By saying “Yes” when we want to say “No”, the resentment or anger towards the person who made the request will come out in some way–through our behavior or attitude towards that person. Therefore, in order to keep relationships honest, it is best to be assertive and to comply with requests when we are in a position where we truly feel happy to assist and comply. Saying “Yes” when we want to say “No” also can affect our self-respect.
Are there consequences from being assertive? Remember that the goal of being assertive is to express feelings and opinions in an open, direct and honest manner so the other person will know where you stand. Your goal is also to respect the other person’s feelings and opinions as well as his or her rights. However, some people might not respect your rights and may not show consideration for you. They are only interested in having their needs met, regardless of how they do it or how they make you feel. Therefore, some people might be upset or angry with you or avoid you due to your stance. Determine if it is in your best interest to have a relationship with such an individual. Remember that it is important not to confuse assertion with aggression. Aggression is having a total disregard for other people’s rights, feelings and opinions. One can be assertive and still be considerate of others. One other assertive right is the right to not be assertive!
Consider these concepts as the New Year begins and be open to taking steps to care for oneself in such a way that communication is more clear about personal needs and limitations. Not only will you be more happy and satisfied, but this will strengthen and improve relationships as well.
Bibliography:
Fensterheim, Herbert, Ph.D. and Baer, Jean. Don’t’ Say Yes When You Want to Say No.