By Mariano E. Velazquez, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Parents have a responsibility to set limits, rules and guidelines for their teenagers. Most parents feel this is necessary in order to ensure their teenager will learn to respect others and the laws by which all of us abide in our society. Along the way we also teach our children morals and values and to have consideration for others.
As children grow into teenagers, the task of enforcing the rules becomes more difficult due to peer pressure and other factors such as movies and television. Teenagers might develop ideas of behavior contrary to our views of how they should behave. It is easy to get into power struggles with teenagers because they formulate their own opinions and beliefs and want to become more independent, trying things their own way. At this stage they begin to feel their parents should not be telling them how to do things all the time. We as parents need to recognize that as teenagers grow older, they need to experience situations in life and to learn from those experiences. We need to allow them to make mistakes and to learn from them. However, we still have to guide them and continue to set limits in order to help them learn to make the right choices
What can parents do when they are at odds with their teenagers about specific rules and limits they have set down for them? It is not a good idea to let teenagers have their way because this will create the idea that we do not care about them or what they do. It will also create the idea that parents no longer have expectations regarding their teenager’s behavior. If we take a very strict cause, then it might create a sense that we are inflexible and unreasonable as well as unapproachable. It may also create anger and resentment in your teenager.
Parents often fear that by negotiating certain rules with their teenager, they will lose their authority, and their teenager will always want to negotiate every rule. It is important to recognize and make your teenager aware that you have some rules that are not up for negotiation - for example, no engaging in smoking, drinking or drugs. Other rules may lend themselves to negotiation. The positive outcome of negotiation is that your teenager will see you as a person he or she can approach to discuss his or her views about rules. Your teen will feel that you show an interest in his desire to take on more responsibility for his behavior. Negotiating rules will help teenagers learn a useful tool for the future in other situations and in other relationships as they grow older.
How do you negotiate with your teenager? If you have decided to negotiate about a specific rule, be sure to do this when both of you are calm and willing to talk in a reasonable tone of voice. If you try to talk while you are angry, your anger will get in the way of your ability to listen and take your teenager’s point of view into consideration. You and you teenager should then sit with each other, making sure that there are no distractions. Make sure you have enough time to speak your feelings and point of view as well as to listen and acknowledge your teenager’s feelings and point of view. Consider your teenager’s feelings and come to the table with the spirit of finding a solution between the two of you, not with the expectation that your opinion will prevail. Be sure that you are willing to “give in” some so that it is a true negotiation. Also appeal to your teenager’s sense of fairness in the negotiations. By each of you giving in a little, you may come to a middle ground and you will feel the whole process has been a win-win situation. By negotiating, you may have adverted a battle and you teenager might have come out with a sense of maturity, responsibility and confidence. If your teenager does not follow through with the agreement, you can let him or her know that things will be done the way you feel they should be done. Then, after waiting awhile, you will try negotiating again. This will give your teen the opportunity to try again and to follow through with the agreement.