By Doris L. Omdahl, LMHC, RPT-S
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Registered Play Therapist
In small children, their behavior is their language. Their behavior tells us things they are not yet able to verbalize. Their behavior is their way to face this complicated world, solve its problems and overcome its frustrations.
A temper tantrum might be the most powerful message a child gives, to express that something is going wrong. A young child can only understand a small percentage of what goes on in the adult world; therefore he experiences his own world as a place where adults impose rules, many times confusing, difficult to understand, and often contradictory. For example, the child is told he can play with the toys at home and at school, but not at the store; he can eat cookies after dinner but not before dinner; he can ride his bike on the sidewalk but not on the road; or only on the road with dad; but not with his brother or sister.
The young child is, the majority of the time, both curious and surprised. He might not be able to solve some problems on his own; for example, he might not understand if dad left the house to go to work, or if he is just outside getting the mail and will be back in a few minutes.
As adults, we need to carefully listen to the childrens’ language, that is, we need to read and interpret their behavior. With a temper tantrum the child might be saying : “I am tired,” or “I am hungry,” or “this is too difficult for me,” or “I am busy now doing something else,” or “I need to be left alone,” or “I need more attention,” or “I am jealous of my baby sister.” A temper tantrum, or a series of temper tantrums, is always a sign that cannot be ignored.
When a parent indicates that their child is having temper tantrums, it is wise to consider three questions:
1.Where do the temper tantrums take place?: The answer to this question will tell us if this is an appropriate or inappropriate behavior. For example, it would be more appropriate to have a temper tantrum at home, after learning that his/her birthday party had to be cancelled, than for “no apparent reason” at the beginning of the school day.
2. When do they take place?: The answer to this question will tell us if there is something or somebody who is causing or encouraging the temper tantrum.
3.What happens after the temper tantrum? The answer to this question will tell us why this behavior persists. For example, if every time the child has a temper tantrum the parent gives a lot of attention, or buys the toy they first refused to buy, or gives in about buying something they were not planning to, the parent is reinforcing the maladaptive behavior, by providing a pleasurable consequence to the problematic behavior. The child then associates his behavior with a reward, and it becomes a habit. Children repeat behavior that gets the parents attention. When a child does not get enough attention, he/she will resort to these maladaptive behaviors, to obtain the needed attention. The ideal response would be to reinforce the appropriate behaviors, and to pay the least attention to the inappropriate ones.
It is also important to give children appropriate ways for them to feel powerful. When we don’t, children will find inappropriate ways to feel in control. Some ways to make them feel powerful are: give them choices, ask for their advice, let them choose what they will wear – even if it does not match.
When a child’s behavior becomes out of control, it helps to look beyond the behavior, and focus on his/her strengths. If the child is testing the parent through a temper tantrum, using bad language or being aggressive, it is best to leave the room and tell him/her that you will be available when he/she calms down. Try to withdraw from conflict, before it escalates.
When behavior problems are severe and potentially dangerous, (throwing things, breaking things, destroying property, hurting other people or animals), and the parents’ attempt to change the behaviors does not work, it might be important to look for help. Individual and/or family counseling might help the parents learn new coping skills, and will give the child an opportunity to vent his/her feelings, and learn appropriate ways to express them.