By Doris L. Omdahl, LMHC, RPT-S
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Registered Play Therapist
Discipline means teaching children to make good decisions and to be responsible for their behavior. It is helping children develop self-control. It involves setting limits, correcting misbehavior, encouraging children, guiding them, and helping them feel good about themselves. The purpose of Discipline is to raise responsible, confident children.
Punishment is getting a child to behave and teaching him to be obedient. Punishment teaches the child to be “good” as long as we are looking.
Learning to discipline a child effectively is very difficult. Most parents use the same style of discipline that their parents used with them. But we live in a world that is different than our ancestors’ and the expectations we have for our children today are also different from the ones in the past. In past generations physical punishment was often considered the only way to discipline a child.
Some parents still think that discipline and punishment are the same thing. Many ask themselves if spanking is necessary to have discipline. Is it?
Spanking is generally used to control a child’s behavior; it does not teach the child how to change what he is doing. Discipline helps the child learn how to control his own behavior. Spanking can also teach the child to be afraid of the parent, while discipline is intended to teach the child to respect the parent. Spanking tells the child that it is acceptable to hit when a person is upset. This belief can lead to other aggressive behaviors. Spanking might be a temporary solution to a problem; but it does not fix the problem. When spanked, the child also learns that if he does something wrong, he will get hurt. This will encourage the child to hide his mistakes from his parents because of fear. Spanking can lead to physical and emotional damage.
Children are more likely to behave well if they are valued and if they are told how important they are. Children also need rules and boundaries to feel safe. They need to know what to expect. It is easier to follow the rules if there are only a few rules to remember. Parents should develop a few important rules in their household. They need to establish what are the consequences for breaking those rules. Once the rule has been broken, they need to follow through with the consequence. There should be no argument, no threats, not changing of the parent’s mind, and not changing the rule. It is important to be consistent.
What are the alternatives to Spanking?
1 Time Out. Should be used to separate the child from a particular situation. Use only one minute per year of age. While on Time Out, the child is to think about his behavior . After the time out, the child and parent can talk about why that particular behavior was wrong.
2 Redirection. Redirect the child before he acts inappropriately; offer the child something else to do to get his mind off what was going to cause a fight.
3 Natural Consequences: Try not to interfere in a situation, so the child can learn from the consequences of his actions.
4 Logical Consequences. Develop consequences that are logically related to the behavior.
5 Encouragement and Praise. Reward appropriate behavior. Rewards can range from verbal praises, hugs, smiles, to purchasing a toy.
6 Pick Your Battles. Try to ignore inappropriate behavior that is harmless. Not every behavior has the same degree of importance. If one of the child’s misbehaviors does not affect anybody, we might want to let it go.
7 Schedules and Routines. It makes the child feel safe, because they know what parents expect.
8 Separate the behavior from the person. Do not tell the child that he is “bad.” Help him realize that you do not approve of his behavior, but you still love him as a person.
9 Give choices rather than commands. Decision making empowers children, while commands produce power struggles.
10 Withdraw from conflict. If the child is testing the limits, having a temper tantrum, or being disrespectful, the parent can take time out, going to a different room, to regain his good judgment. Tell the child you will be back when he regains control of his behavior.
11 Remove privileges. Take away something the child enjoys, for a reasonable period of time. (TV program, electronic games, etc.)
12 Have realistic expectations and do not expect perfection. Ask yourself if the child is perhaps acting his age. Remember that young children have a lot of energy and need to be active.
13 Parent with the End in Mind. The type of discipline a parent uses will influence the kind of person the child will become.
Discipline is a way to teach children responsibility, and how to become independent. Parents need to remember that children’s behaviors are not going to be good all the time. An important factor that will contribute to well-behaved children, is the parents’ own behavior. Children behave better if their parents behave peacefully and treat each other with respect. We need to remember that every child is a unique individual with his unique personality. Some children are very compliant and some are very challenging. As parents, we need to learn what works with our child’s personality, and use it to avoid power struggles and confrontations. However, if after trying these techniques the parent concludes that “nothing works except for spanking,” it might be time to seek some help.