By Doris L. Omdahl, LMHC, RPT-S
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Registered Play Therapist
“You are grounded for life!!” “You just lost TV for a month!!” ”Forget about the sleepover at Tim’s!!” “You won’t go out for a year!!” These are some common reactions from a parent, to their child’s first “F” in school.
When a child brings home their first “F”, parents usually react in a negative way, assuming their child “just doesn’t care.” They raise their voice, punish the child, and implement one or more consequences sometimes totally unrelated to the grade. However, what they are forgetting is that the child already feels pretty bad about this grade.
Looking at a report card, the definition of an “F” is “Failing.” What does that mean? Does it mean that the child failing the subject? Is he failing as a student? Is he failing as a person? Is this “F” a predictor of this child’s future? Is this “F” a reflection of poor parenting?
An “F” can mean several things, especially if it is the first “bad grade” that the child brings home.
It may be an indication that the child did not study for the test; but it might also mean that the child did not understand the directions or instructions for the test; it might mean that the teacher was not very clear in her requests, and all the students might have had a poor grade. It may also mean that, on that particular day, the child did not feel good, and could not concentrate much. The “F” may also be a reflection of some problems that are going on at home. Maybe parents are getting a divorce, maybe they lost someone, and maybe they are going through some transitions.
In any event, we, as parents cannot always interpret an “F” as a lack of responsibility on the part of the child. The first “F” might be a warning sign that the child might be struggling with a particular subject, or that he might have difficulties with the learning process, depending on his grade level. It may also be an indicator of the child’s emotional struggles.
The best way for parents to handle the child’s first “F,” is to be supportive. Approach the child and try to find out what happened. Remember that he already feels “bad” about this grade. If necessary, make an appointment with the teacher. In some cases, the teacher will let the child take the test a second time. Ask the teacher how the child is functioning overall. Does he seem to be paying attention in class? Does he participate? Does he finish his work? Is he creative? Does he get distracted? Does he seem to understand the subject, or is he lost? All this information is important to determine if the “F” was just a “one time deal,” or if it is to be expected again. The parent should also explore if the child is being upset about other things that may be going on within the family unit.
In the event that the teacher does not allow the student to take the test again, the parent should be able to go through the test with his child. The parent can explain to the child the questions, and compare the child’s answers with the information in the book. Sometimes the child has not yet developed study habits, and he does not know the importance of memorizing information. Not all children learn in the same way. Some are “visual” learners, some are “auditory” learners, and some are “tactile” learners. The parent should find out what kind of learner his child is.
The parents should also be careful no to damage the child’s self esteem in the process of reacting to his first “F.” The grade is definitely neither a reflection of their parenting, nor a reflection of the child’s intellectual functioning. Parents should consider this first grade as a “warning sign” that something needs to be addressed. Chances are that when we explore all the above-mentioned areas, the child’s grades will improve in the future.